Kim Kardashian's Wedding: A view from the back row - the background

Okay, I'm just a Black guy from Detroit but guess what? I'm going to Kim Kardashian's wedding. How,  you ask, can this occur. Is it because I write the only blog in the world with Ketosis Prone Type 2 Diabetes as its subject. She is part Armenian after all and they are people subject to this type of diabetes. Does Kim recognize herself in my blog and now, with the help of her impending wedding, wants to give it higher recognition so as to help the thousands of lives at stake?

Who knows this might be the case and I do have an invitation to the wedding even though J-Low doesn't. How'd I swing this? I didn't do one thing. Turns out that my nephew is Kris Humphries. So unless I catch a bit of luck, I'm off to participate in the wedding of the year.

Don't get me wrong, I like my nephew and I wish him well but I would wish him well no matter who he married. I really don't have anything against Kim3, (more about that title later). Her life, however, is used to generate commercial dollars. Virtually everything she does is about revenue. I've got nothing against making a buck but, at a certain point, you can include me out.

This is theatre, a sort of Lady Gaga extravaganza but with bridesmaids. The problem is I wouldn't pay to see it and that's really what this is mostly about. The American eyeball is worth money. The more eyeballs; the more cash you generate. This is celebrity sales and I haven't much found the need to buy any celebrity. For years, I've spent my time in many checkout lines gloating and feeling superior as I saw the mags trumpeting the personal life, real or imagined, of Bragilina, knowing I had no interests, whatsoever. Now, look at me, quickly flipping pages in the aisle trying to suck up the latest on K&K. How the mighty have fallen. Wait till I get my hands on that kid!

Kim Kardashian's Wedding: A view from the back row - The wedding invitation or how the heck does this work?

Okay, the wedding is going to be on (can't say) in (can't say either). We won't actually know where the thing is in (can't tell) though. We are going go there, hang out and then they are going to tell us where to go to be picked up and we will be delivered to the wedding. I assume this will all be handled through some private security firm, like Blackwater. Can you say, "Drive by shooting."?

This is just the beginning of way too weird. The invitation arrived in a big FedEx box and when I shook it, it felt like a book was in there. Why am I shaking the package? Because I have no sense of occasion. My wife wants to take pictures of herself opening it. Of course, this means she must put on some clothes. Yes, she's getting dressed to open a wedding invitation whilst I take pictures of her while I'm wearing my worn out pajamas.

Wow! First time I've ever seen a wedding invitation that is not only suitable for framing but is framed.

Uh oh! It's black tie and I don't have a tux, more expense unless I can get away with my standard black suit. Hey, I know how to do weddings. Basically, I wear the same suit that I wear to funerals. I just wear a red tie for weddings. It's simple. I've done it a ton of times. Apparently, Uncle Mike is going to have to pick up his game.

Kim Kardashian wedding: Into LA

OK, I'm sitting in LA after a fun-filled redeye flight out of Detroit. Can you say, "Jet Lag"?

We're staying out in Culver City with friends and biding our time till we can get in the house in Santa Barbara.

So what's the news from the K&K front? Apparently, there's to be some sort of get together Thursday that does not involve oldsters. My daughter is trying to get into town for that one. Old people are invited to the late-night barbecue on Friday and, of course, the wedding on Saturday.

I suppose I should be thrilled to be here. This is the feeling I get with the paucity of information that comes my way. This really could have been printed on the invitation.

Dear Loser or Old Person or Persons

Be glad that you've got this invitation. Be glad because we really don't care about your butts and you'll be placed somewhere in the back with the grade c actors next to the kitchen doors  or the bathrooms. Don't try to contact us - we will not respond. We are busy and you ain't important. Bask in the glow and get over it.

K&K

Kim anid Kris's family get together

This was the first time the families got together. Initially it was a BBQ that was supposed to be at 9. This got changed to 6 but we all managed to get off except my son and daughter who never found out about the change and were with another cousin who had no intention of going to the get together anyway.

The Humphries got up a caravan at where I was staying in Santa Barbara and off we went to some very hard to find mansion. We got turned around a bunch of times but I finally got my GPS going and we did arrive. Our cars were driven off and as we were led into the premises where had to sign permission forms even while we were being filmed.

I am "Uncle Mike", you know, the relative you keep chained in the closet and only let out for "special" events. My job is to be as strange as possible, consume as much liquor as I can get away with and all the while make wry comments. Which is what I did. To make matters worse, I used this as my tagline for the entire night.

My first problem is that I don't have a television and so I didn't know who anybody was. Chris Jenner introduced herself to me as soon as I walked through the door. I mumbled something stupid but was saved from any more conversation when I saw my first destination, the liquor bar.

My progress was slowed by this woman:

Actually, if you note the grin and the drink, this was not on the way to the bar. This was after a few trips. I found her both attractive and very down to earth. The kid she's holding is Mason. This is the calmest 20 month old I've ever met.

She is, to my mind, the best looking of the sisters. But I didn't spend all my time talking to her. I spent most of it talking to her grandmother and two aunts, Mary Jane, Sarah and Karen. I met them after coming back from the beach. Where it was getting cool. They would become my crew since they had the intelligence to be sitting near the fireplace that you can barely see behind us. 

They also had an incredible tolerance for bullshit and, of course, I had a lot of that to give.

I didn't start out that way. When I came into the house, the music playing happened to be the song that was played at my mother's funeral. I stood near where they were sitting and stopped, as I always do, to listen to it. After the song finished, I noticed them looking at me and explained what was going on. I, of course, then asked who they were.

After introductions we immediately began kicking it around. I wanted to know were they as confused about what was going on as Kris's family. They hadn't a clue either but you just had the sense that they were use to playing it by ear and didn't really care. This was even with the blond woman you see in the picture sitting there as well. This is Karen who is both a good friend and assistant to Kris Jenner. I liked her a hell of a lot. She had lost her husband of 23 years a few years back and had only just remarried a few months earlier. She talked of her despair when her husband passed but she beamed as she talked about moving through it and finding the guy she's pictured with, Brad.

Here's the skinny on some of that which I later found out. Kris Jenner is an ordained minister. How she found the time, I have no idea. What church it is, no idea either. She can, however, perform weddings and, I guess if the spirit moves, funerals. I would think that the presence of camera crews and sound men might make that a tad unseemly.

She performed Karen and Brad's wedding. Kris Jenner - Pastor? He, by the way, is called Pastor Brad and performed Khloe and Odom's wedding. Nobody told me the pastor part so the look on his face may be the effect of my brief conversation with him.

It seems that Kris Jenner was going for two because we heard that she planned to perform her daughter's wedding. Why in God's name do they call this stuff reality TV? Who the heck officiates their daughters wedding?

Now, as you know, the wedding was performed by Deb's minister from Minnesota. I didn't get a chance to sit down and talk to Deb about it but judging from the look on her face, you can bet there was a serious dust up about that. Deb is a sweet Minnesotan but she has a backbone mostly composed of iron and I would not bet against her in a bare knuckle brawl.

I stayed with them because they were nice but also there seemed to be a demarcation zone where they were. Maybe they weren't important enough but the cameras never came over there no matter what Kardashian popped over and these cameras seemed to be every where.

A case in point. Right after me and Kourtney took this picture, we were chatting as we walked toward the front of the house. We passed through a door and suddenly flashbulbs, bright lights and cameras were everywhere. I was stunned and backed up.

Is it love? On the beach with Kris and Kim

This thing seemed to come out of nowhere and it does involve the publicity hungry Kardashians so the first thing in my head was whether this was some concocted setup that would churn out magazine fodder for a year or so.

Of course, the speed at which this happened in some ways mitigates against this. I am now aware of the awesome machine that Kris Jenner wields and it doesn't seem to have her finger prints on it. Everything they do tends to be long and drawn out, milking the possibilities as long as possible. There would have been "Kris and Kim break up", "Kris and Kim get back together", "Is Kris having an affair?", "Is Kim having an affair?". The possibilities are endless and you can be sure that these will be coming to your supermarket magazine rack in the very near future. This was quick and certainly had to cut into the gate they could bring in on the whole wedding business.

Well, is this real? Yep, I’m afraid so. They are not only in love but they even probably like each other. What makes me say this; the incident at the beach.

When we arrived at the family party neither Kim or Kris were there. We contented ourselves with talking to the other Kardashians and wandering around looking at the grounds of the mansion we were at. I got a drink, talked to a photographer and then I noticed a long winding path that I assumed went to the ocean. I went down the path and found my wife sitting looking at the ocean and Kim Kardashian down at the beach with Mason and a whole television crew.


Kris suddenly shows up, hugs us and flops down on a hammock with Kaela soon following. My wife looks out at Kim on the beach and tells Kris to go get his fiancee and introduce us. This is where the magic occurs.


Kris stands up and in typical Kris style bellows, "Hey Kim. Hey Kim come here." She looks up, gets a big grin and waves back then starts towards us and for a moment they both have the same goofy grin. I'm kind of appalled but there is no longer any doubt in my mind that this isn't "reality" but real.

Reality?

Come on people!! Really?

You’ve got three sisters who seem to be in each others houses everyday and their mother is there most of the time as well. You’ve got a brother who lives with his sister and her husband.

How real is this? There are rumors that Kim’s butt is a plastic job. This effects how the perfect beauty is viewed. It needs to be answered. The easiest thing in the world would be for Kim to simply go and have a couple of docs certify that her butt is real and put that information out. Would the perfect beauty do anything like that? I doubt it. Part of the whole illusion is that she is unfazed by the public and is largely as she appears on camera. So how do you get rid of this problem?

You have the sisters, who apparently have nothing better to do, badger the other sister relentlessly until she proves that her butt is real because, after all, she constantly talks with her sisters and she cares about what they say.

People, these folks just made thirty six million dollars last year.

Robb don’t need to live with his sister. He’s a millionaire. Even if he was broke, Khloe could pay for his apartment out of chump change.

They all come to their mother’s house; argue and talk over food at a big table while a two camera set up with camera, lighting and sound people gets it all down. Ever seen something like that? It takes at least five people. Seven millionaires sit down for dinner while five people flutter about thrusting electronic instruments at them. Is this normal? Is this real? If it is for you then maybe you need to get a few things checked out.

Wedding day Part 1

Sitting downstairs as everybody puts their clothes on upstairs for the wedding.

Yesterday was the family get together. I drank the most expensive whiskey I could and did my Uncle Mike thing. Kris did his part and was as goofy as ever. He even put on the intelligent human being thing for awhile.

I've checked and rechecked all the things that I need to have to get into event. Now all I can do is sit in my suit and wait and wait and wait.

We're only a few miles from the Monteceido Country Club and I've worked out the route so the caravan arrives intact and in good order. We are once again asked to sign forms and the wands are passed over us to assure that we aren't terrorists. This, we find out isn't where the wedding is to occur. There are a group of buses nearby and we are loaded into them where we then wait until all the buses are full. Once this occurs we are driven off with a police escort through a twisting winding terrain. All along the way people line the road with placards and cameras waving and smiling. I want desperately to wave back but the windows are smoked and I can't get them open. I wave weakly anyway. 

Kris' other relatives had another experience because they were on buses with clear glass. They were able to smile and wave like they were on a float in the Macy parade.

We arrive at another large mansion, the buses park and we are directed up a long drive. After a bit, arrive at the entrance and exchange our invitations for a paper which tells where we will be seated. Much to my surprise, I'm not way in back, next to a dumpster, but sitting four rows from the front. This, of course, means that I've been forgiven for my "Uncle Mike" performance which means I totally mean to give it another go at the reception.

There are helicopters circling overhead and large balloons floating above. Some one says this is to keep the paparazzi with helicopters from crashing the party. Okay, now I have to admit it. This is starting to seem like it's worth the price of admission.

People line the walk back to where the wedding is to be held with trays offering us refreshments. I am disappointed that it's only lemonade and sparkling water but take the water and stroll on. The sound of violins is in the air and up ahead there is a grandstand with people already seated who I vaguely recognize. This means, for me, they are some sort of celebrities that I've seen in my rovings across the internet. We are directed passed them and down the aisle towards the front then seated. 

I spot five cameras. There are two in the front.  There's one on either side of the pavilion and one on a boom that continually swoops and dives over our heads. I can see the musicians in a beautiful garden like space filled with plants and water flowing through it. Everything is done up in black and white. Directly in front, above the stage, is a huge rhinestone cross. The weather is beautiful. The music flows and I close my eyes for I need to rest for the reception and the second coming of "Uncle Mike".

Confidentiality

This is real stupid. I know information that could change the world but I am under more strict confidentiality to Kim and Kris's wedding. The world is just goofy.

I wrote this a few weeks before I went to the wedding. Now I get it. I don't mean the money part. I've always got that. The less that's out, the more they can control flow and the more money they can charge. Kris and Kim got married in August but the big wedding is happening in October, at least for the rest of the world. Remember the British royal wedding? It’s over; one and done. It has also largely vanished from the public’s awareness. Kris Jenner managed to keep selling ads two months after the event. I get this. This is about money.

What I didn’t get was that this is a real marriage. This woman has planned this marriage since she was a girl. You might have heard this on the TV, as well, and took it with a grain of salt but I have it on good authority that this is true.

What does this tell you about a woman who in her consummate moment recreates the dreams of a little girl. Like I said, I don’t watch the shows so I can’t really say how she appears on TV. What I did see was a woman who uses her fame as a shield for her inner self.  Her makeup is perfect. It is so perfect that it’s imperfect. There is someone there but what you see just seems other. You get this when you get a glimpse passed this beauty when she’s with Kris and you see a tantalizing peak of who she actually is.

This was the Kim behind “Kim Kardashian” wedding. She wanted nothing to screw with it and kept everything close to the vest. We were inspected, bundled on a bus, driven around to an imposing mansion then put in assigned seating. Nothing was left to chance and no word was leaked. I was talking to one of her aunts out in the garden after the wedding. She told me that she knew what was going to happen next. I asked, “Had her sister told her or Kim. “Better”, she said, “I know the caterer.”

Wedding day - The Wedding

Some rag reported that the Humphries family was appalled by the garishness of the setting. Crap!

We are from Detroit and we have seen all manner of nuptials that arose from some young girl’s fantasy. Most of us found the setup quite beautiful and showed a great deal of thought. There was even a little cone with flower petals hung on the chair in front of us.

My only complaint was that the wait seemed interminable. As I said, it was a beautiful day and the surroundings so invited investigation but once we were seated that was it. All you really could do was gab to relatives, doze or watch the camera boom dive at you every few minutes. I picked the later. I could see the headlines, “Kim’s Black and White Wedding Delayed by Red”. Crazed camera boom operator kills spectator. Grieving widow given a reality show. The wedding was delayed for an hour.

It did start eventually with a celebrity musician standing up and playing the music. Who the heck he was; once again, I haven’t the foggiest. Many people applauded and seemed pleased, good enough.

The aisle they walked up was set up so that when you looked back up it, it seemed to go on forever. Kris had that the sort of bewildered look that I’d often seen on his face as a kid. He seemed to relax as he scanned us all sitting there. The groomsmen and bridesmaids came up the aisle. Camera lenses glistened, the boom zoomed and on came the bride being escorted by Bruce Jenner. Accounts I’ve heard said that Bruce was choked up through out this walk. He went right passed me and he seemed to be doing fine.

See the bald-headed Black gentleman? Yeah, this is me doing one second of fame; which is just about how long I appear in the video. This was fine with me. I’m hoping to save the other fourteen seconds for something like igniting my explosive glasses on the plane back to Detroit. You get idea.

There isn’t much to say about this that you didn’t see. If you were interested you probably saw more than I did. I didn’t get a replay or see the highlighted video pointing out people who only use one name.

Commenters talked of the diamonds she wore and the dress but from where I stood it didn’t appear particularly ostentatious. There was jewelry and a nice dress. Vera Wang did the dress but it didn’t say “Wang” or “Wang dang doodle” anywhere on it. The diamonds had no tag saying, “Really expensive diamonds not the cheap stuff you’re use to seeing”. She was the same Kim I met on the beach. The best representation of a bride at her wedding I’ve ever seen. Once again, very real but staged down to the shine on the rhinestone cross.

A brief note of impending doom

Today is 10/10/2011. The day they are going to show the wedding and reception of Kim Kardashian. It is also Monday; the day in which I gather with "friends?" and watch Monday Night Football at Stober's Bar in Lansing, Michigan.

This happens to be the first appearance of the Detroit Lions in a decade on MNF. They are planning a small banquet for the occasion, which will mostly be finger food. Why then are they planning to have knives and forks?

They have decided to have a main course. It's Uncle Mike. Two TV's will be on the Lions game and one is to be dedicated to the Kardashian wedding. I can see their grinning evil faces even now; not to mention the horrible sound of knives being sharpened.

The short of it is that on one of the best nights in Detroit in a decade with both the Tigers and the Lions performing on the national stage in the same day will be sadly marred by screams of torture.

The Garden of Delights

See this?

This is the garden that we were ushered to shortly after the wedding. To the right is where the bars are, in the middle where you see people standing around is a table loaded with every type of seafood known to mankind. I make more trips to this table then I make to the bar.

The Bar!!!

I settle down in an area below which is an ornate garden with benches and tables.

More pictures of the area with people blocking the view. They took this picture while a few feet away I was slamming a large piece of crab in my face. I was interrupted in the process of engorgement by Sarah, who is Kim's aunt.  "Mike, where did you get all that food?" I offered to show her if she promised not to dive onto the table.

"It really wouldn't look good", I said, pointing to the photographers. She did restrain herself but it was a near thing.